The Ringer / Slime Busters
September 8, 1989
Ver. Consulted: SMBSS Restored - Legend of Zelda Fridays
Guest Starring: Ernie Hudson
Live Action
Mario and Luigi are battling slimy tentacled ghosts for some reason. Ernie Hudson, normally a Ghostbuster but here a Slimebuster for legal purposes, arrives and calls the shop an "ectoplastic disaster area," but Mario protests that he kinda likes it. Mario leads Ernie Hudson to the door of the bedroom, where the Brothers have cornered the ghost, and Ernie quips "if I'm not back in ten minutes, put a dime in the meter." Moments later he flees in revulsion from "the most disgusting, revolting, hideous entity I've ever seen"--Luigi!
Cartoon
Oh boy it's Friday, which means we get a Legend of Zelda cartoon. Link is trying to sleep in but a big glowing floating thing annoys him out bed--dumb place to store your Triforce, Link. He wanders to the window to perve on Zelda, mumbling stupid complaints about how boring it is to live in a castle in a magic kingdom. Suddenly, Moblins attack from behind! Link beats off the Moblins, obtaining a magic bow in the process. Zelda arrives to complain about Link whistling at her from the window, then shifts gears into complining about the wrecked state of his room, allowing Link to hit his catchphrase. Zelda orders Link to stay with the Triforce while she galavants off to judge an amateur magician competition; meanwhile, Gannon plots to infiltrate the amateur magician competition.
At the castle, some dumb garden wizard makes a tomato get big and explode on the princess. Then, Gannon shows up to join the competition and doesn't even bother to disguise his distinctive growly villain voice. He summons a bird to prove he's a magician, but it's actually a bat that goes and spies on the Triforce, finding it guarded by Link. Up in his chambers, Link wants romantic advice from Spryte, but she wants Link for herself; Link, however, responds to her flirtations with height-shaming. Gannon turns a newt conjured by one of other wizards into a dragon (what was his plan if Newt Summoner Ned wasn't at the amateur magician competition?) Link saves Zelda from the dragon, Zelda berates Link for leaving the Triforce unguarded, Link hits his catchphrase, and Gannon steals the Triforce.
Remember the wizard with the plant magic? Well, Zelda gets him to grow a nut into a big tree that she ropes into a slingshot kind of deal that lets them catch up with and defeat Gannon using the magic bow and a style of fighting that involves belting themselves back-to-back. After the fight, Link refuses to undo the belt attaching him to Zelda until she kisses him, but Spryte shows up and foils his attempt at sexual extortion.
Live Action
Ernie and Mario can't find the ghost; Luigi, possessed, looks at a slice of pizza on a plate, declares "this is my favourite dish," and eats the plate. His arm is now all big and slimy, and he challenges them to arm wrestle. Ernie shoots the ghost with his gimmick and drives it out of Luigi and into the Brothers' pizza pan where it surrenders, sick of having to deal with their antics.
Mario's Magic Carpet / Marianne and Luigeena
September 7, 1989
Ver. Consulted: SMBSS Restored
Guest Starring: Lyle Alzado
Live Action
Football man of the LA Raiders and star of Learning the Ropes Lyle Alzado is coming over to the shop for lunch, and Mario is so pleased and proud he can't help bragging on the phone to his cousins Marianne and Luigeena. This is bad, because the girls are obsessed with Lyle Alzado. Luigi vows to keep them out of "muscle touching range" from their houseguest.
Cartoon
Mario arrives in a dry and deadly desert on a lumpy camel, searching for Aladdin's Lamp. Luigi complains that they should have rented a camel with air conditioning. They encounter the usual cartoon mirage gimmicks, but get fooled by a real pool covered in a trampoline that bounces them up over some walls and through the flip-top roof of an evil sultan's desert palace--the oldest trick in the book!!
The sultan is an unfortunately racist caricature who takes our heroes as slaves. Aladdin's lamp is, coincidentally, among the Sultan's treasures, so after the guard falls asleep Mario expertly removes the lamp from its protective glass cover using his pizza cutter. They free the rude, annoying genie, who gets the lamp stuck on her foot; meanwhile, Koopa shows up, buys the Princess from the Sultan and whisks her away in his flying car-carpet hybrid. Our heroes rent a flying carpet of their own and take off in hot pursuit. Koopa drops the Princess in quicksand and unleashes a swarm of pigeons to eat Mario and Luigi's carpet. Luckily, Luigi speaks pigeon, and redirects the pigeons to go eat Koopa's carpet instead. They rescue the Princess, and the annoying genie's lamp falls into Koopa's carpet where she begins criticizing his driving.
Live Action
Mario and Luigi step out to buy a pound of grapes, pound of figs and four dozen tangerines for Lyle Alzado. Lyle arrives early, and so do the cousins (Lou Albano and Danny Wells in drag). Marianne sends Luigeena off to find the Brothers, and proceeds to harass Lyle Alzado. Things reach a bittersweet conclusion as Marianne and Luigeena clear out to stalk Mel Gibson, leaving Lyle Alzado to wonder what could have been.
Butch Mario & The Luigi Kid / All Steamed Up
September 6, 1989
Ver. Consulted: SMBSS Restored
Guest Starring: Sgt. Slaughter
Live Action
Sgt. Slaughter calls the Brothers and gives 'em the business about fixing his walk-in Steam-o-Matic pronto; Mario climbs inside the contraption to fix it, and predictable hijinks ensue when Sgt. Slaughter arrives and decides to test the machine.
Cartoon
King Koopa has kidnapped the Princess and taken her to the Wild West. He's also put a 10,000 coin bounty on the Mario Brothers. Sherrif Mouser shows up with mounted Shy Guys and attempts to arrest our heroes, but the Brothers escape by jumping across a river of logs a la SMB 2, while the Shy Guys plummet over a waterfall. In response, Mouser raises the bounty to 30,000 coins. The Brothers follow smoke signals to the entrance of the mine within which Koopa has imprisoned the Princess, but are chased off by Mouser and a posse, then fall for a classic "Free Italian Food" ruse and are captured by Koopa.
Our heroes escape their thusly: the Brothers lure Mouser into their cell by feigning thirst, then Mario yells "pasta power!" and knocks Mouser's hat off; Toad hides in the hat to smuggle himself out of the jail cell and procures Bob-ombs for the jailbreak. The good guys return to the mine, fight Bowser in a fireball duel, and clear out the bad guys by diverting water from some pipes into a gushing torrent that clears out the mine. When the Princess asks how she can ever repay him, Mario lists six kinds of pasta and garlic ice cream.
Live Action
Luigi shows Sgt. Slaughter his anchovy, grape and cheese wiz pizza, and the two argue back and forth in marching cadence. Mario bursts out of the steamer, and now he's small Mario.
King Mario of Cramalot / Day of the Orphan
September 5, 1989
Ver. Consulted: SMBSS Restored
Guest Starring: Danica McKellar
Live Action
After losing at chess to a freaky long-haired sewer-man named Edison, Luigi hears a knock at the door of Mario Brothers Plumbing--it's Patty, the Sad-Eyed Orphan (Danica McKellar). She's been "livin' off the land" for six months and today is her birthday; the Brothers take pity on the young drifter/grifter and decide to throw her a birthday party.
Cartoon
The gang have gone to Cramalot to seek out Mervyn the Magician's help freeing the Mushroom Kingdom from King Koopa. Some of Koopa's beezos show up to bother our heroes, but get zapped by Mervyn, who explains that after the old king of Cramalot died Koopa moved into the castle and crowned himself king. Mario sets himself up as pretender to the throne by pulling a golden plunger out of a magical clogged sink, and we've got an old fashioned King Off! Koopa attacks, steals the plunger and imprisons of heroes, but Mervyn frees them and takes them to the Forest of Perpetual Night and Terrible Dangers, where a hand in a lake tosses Mario an enchanted plumber's snake. Mario heads to the castle, where he and Koopa duel with the two Excaliber-analogues. Mario wins the duel, but turns down the kingship when Mervyn reveals that the king must give up carbs and get ripped.
Live Action
Patty has made herself at home while the Brothers decorate the shop for her birthday; but wait, the doorbell rings, and it's Patty's parents! Mario and Luigi should be mad, but they're not ones to let a good party go to waste, so everyone eats cake and has a grand old time.
The Bird! The Bird! / Neatness Counts
September 4, 1989
Ver. Consulted: SMBSS Restored
Guest Starring: Nicole Eggert
Live Action
Whilst getting cleaned up, Mario and Luigi discover TV star Nicole Eggert in their medicine cabinet checking the expiration date on their toothpaste. Eggert wants to get her plumbing checked out but needs it done quickly because she is on her way to a party; to demonstrate how fast they work, the brothers waste her time by attempting to fix a random sink, which sprays water in her face--revenge for invading the privacy of their medicine cabinet.
Cartoon
Mario and Luigi are searching through snowy mountains for a portal back to Brooklyn when a stupid, slobbering, near-sighted Birdo kidnaps Toad, mistaking him for her lost chick Cheepy. While attempting to rescue Toad, Mario's party is spotted by King Koopa's ski patrol; a squadron of Albatosses drop bob-ombs on our heroes, triggering an avalanche and trapping them in a cave. Luckily, there is a fire flower in the cave and baby Cheepy just happens to be frozen in a block of ice nearby, so everything works out for the good guys.
Live Action
Nicole Eggert, still wet, gets blasted by coal from the furnace, steps in cake, sits on a pie, and has garbage dumped on her. Luckily, she tells the Brothers she's going to a "Sloppy Party" where the sloppiest person wins, so they all laugh and the Sloppy Mario Brothers smear cake all over her in a scene that I'm sure was an unfortunate erotic awakinging for someone.
